Sign of the Times

This is our swing sign. We put it up today. We think it's possibly the best swing sign on earth. We know that there are many other Gul stores in the South West who are mildly jealous of our swing sign. So we've attached all manner of security devices to our swing sign:

- If half-inched, our swing sign triggers an alarm at MI5.

- Our swing sign screams if it goes more than 10 yards from the store front.

- Our swing sign is loaded with security paint. If it is lowered to within 6 feet of the ground it will combust in a whirl of luminous rainbow coloured paints.

- Our swing sign has a sophisticated GPS tracking device. We would know exactly which Gul store front it is hanging from by the tracking device that the manager keeps in his pocket at all times. The pocket has a zip and a lock, to which no-one but the manager has a key.

- It may look like simple galvanised brackets holding our swing sign up, but they are actually custom-made carbon fibre, diamond lined and forged in a secret underground metalworks (the very same that produce Uri Gellers cutlery.)

Our swing sign has more swing than Frank Sinatra.

We love our swing sign.